What is Listening?

Our focus for this month is listening, which seems very appropriate given the times we find ourselves in.

Deepening our listening capacities is always in fashion if we're human (and, in case you haven't checked recently, we are).

If we want to be effective in life, happy in our relationships and make the difference we want to make listening is a critical skill. It's one of our most important activities and fundamental to relationships. Fundamental also to who we are in the world and how others know us. 

First, let's define it. If you go out to the dictionary online, it'll give you three different definitions for listening. 

1. 'You give your attention to a sound’. Someone speaking, birds singing in your backyard, screeching brakes -- any attention to a particular sound. 
2. 'Taking notice of and acting on what someone says, responding to advice or a request.’ 
3. 'Make an effort to hear something’. Being alert and ready to hear something. Listening for the baby, for the dishwasher to start running, the alarm to ring, the dinging of chat messages -- for a particular noise that will notify you.

While those are the three definitions from the online dictionary, they are not what I'm pointing to here.

During this next month, we'll explore listening to yourself, listening to others, creating the listening that other people might have for you (or for what you have to say). And finally, today's session, which is about 'what is listening'. 

What do we usually focus on when listening to someone? I've found four main areas. These are not given in priority order. My experience is that the area you tend to focus on primarily is a matter of personal habit, preference, and capacity. 

Our listening takes a myriad of factors into account to determine the nuance and meaning of what we are hearing. 

1. Context

We listen for context. Either directly or subconsciously, we determine the context so that we can follow what they are saying and so that it makes sense to us.

There's an expression - "that was out of the blue" - and it means that what they said makes no sense to us (in other words, we have no context for what got said).

Context determines meaning. So it is EXTREMELY important for comprehending the meaning others intend us to understand.

Note: If we don't give any context when we're speaking, listeners will create their own context (and that can be disastrous for full understanding!)

2. Physical/Body Language

If we are in person or have a visual connection (zoom, skype) we might find ourselves focusing on physical cues. What's their posture? Gestures? How did they turn their head? Did they smile? Frown? Etc. What kind of clues do these cues give us? What are they're saying without saying it?

We create narratives based on these non-verbal signals - whether they are sad, tired, disbelieving, inquisitive, bored.... We also get this wrong a lot. So if you are someone who tends to put a lot of stock into your ability to recognize non-verbal physical patterns, check that out once-in-a-while by asking people whether your assessment is their experience. 

3. Remembering Details

Third, we listen to remember details. Are there instructions we need to follow? Are there particular details important to the nature of this project? At which stop sign do we turn right?

While this kind of listening sounds simple, it's not. We know It's not because we've seen numerous fails regarding verbal directions. This is why many people will now say "text me" the details. Most of us aren't great at listening for or remembering the particulars. 

However, many people tend to listen for all the details - thinking this will aid their comprehension (it frequently doesn't). And many speakers tend to give far too many details and this weakens the listener's understanding (as well as interest). 

4. Connection

We listen for, and feel, a connection when someone is sharing something personal - some aspect of their journey. That involves listening with empathy and understanding. Listening for their experience - how it was for them and how it might be if we'd been in their shoes - is a very different kind of listening than when we are attempting to remember details.  

What is your preferred style? 

This week inquire into how you listen.

Possible inquiry questions:

• How do I listen?
• What are the things I focus on when I'm listening?
• How does context impact how I listen and what I hear?
• Notice how your listening changes under different circumstances, with different people, in different mediums (in person, Zoom, social media, cell phone).
• What do you listen for? How do you make sense of what you hear? And how does that impact your relationships?

Recommendation: write down your answers to the questions above. Insights are much easier to generate and learn from when you get them out of your head and onto physical or digital paper. 

Have a great week listening to your listening!

Andrea